In progress

Just an update—I am currently someone’s girlfriend. I am working on trust, but there’s always doubts. Not that he’s cheating, nor looking, nor lying, nor betraying in any way. More doubting that he doesn’t really know what he’s doing. That he’s caught up in some whimsy, some passing fancy. That I am a vacation from ordinary life (because I’m so doggone extraordinary).

I don’t trust that he really loves me. Stupid, I know. I just have to learn to let go and enjoy the ride. But it’s hard. I’ll keep working on it.

See more progress on: trust

Troubled times

Money. It’s a drag.

and it’s out of my control so get over it. You’ll have more later.

sigh

Almost over it. Stupid money.

See more progress on: Don't worry about things out of my control

2 months-ish to go!

There is no doubt—only days to cross off. In late-May to no-later-than June 1st I will be living in San Diego. First with my sister, then with my lover-man. It will be better than good.

See more progress on: Move to San Diego

So far, so good

I’ve met nearly all of his family (just his sister and step-siblings to go), and he’s met my mom. This thing only has two months to go long distance-wise and we’ll be a regular relationship—forever. We’ve got this!

See more progress on: have a successful long distance relationship

Guilt

I have a lot of guilt. I’ve done a lot of little bad things, and a few big bad things, but they all weigh on me. The importance of making amends now rather than anytime before is because I feel like I’m a bad person and not worthy of the man I am currently dating and in love with. Because of these past deeds I feel often unworthy and that if he ever knew the “real” me that he would no longer love me. Therefore, to fully be able to allow myself to let him love me and vice versa, I must love myself, and forgive myself. Then, when he finds out I did this or that, then I can simply say, “that was the past.”

For example, he already knows about my DUI that I had 6 years ago this June. I explained to him the situation, I told the tale of who I was at the time, and then I told him that I haven’t done anything like that since (or before). I don’t even really drink now. This is why I am okay about my really stupid decision I made when I was 22. Because I was 22, stupid, and have learned from it. And he agreed. It didn’t matter. He loves me.

Time to fix all the other bad stuff and get on with the good stuff! I will do this!

See more progress on: Make amends for my transgressions

I played Emilia!

As a paraeducator, one must always be trying to display one’s intelligence to the brilliant Computer Tech teacher…

See more progress on: Draw my day

March 16th, 2010

I am grateful for the days when I get to wake up without an alarm and still be on time.

See more progress on: The good stuff: what am I grateful for today?

2010

The moon's so bright
so grand tonight
Beneath moonlight
your hand, so tight.

Stars in the skies
can't compare, can't disguise
I'm lost in your eyes
I'm aware. I'm alive.

From lips soon parted
our tale has started
a kiss unguarded
set sail, uncharted

For my heart is sure
it beats, it's cured
My love is pure
so sweet, I'm yours.

There is no fear-
cast out from here!
When you are near
no doubt. Our year.

Poem

New Years Eve

It was all darkness
until your glowing face
illuminated my life.
The core of my body
Erupting
from the welcome disturbance
your presence caused-

Our poles aligned
magnetized
compelling my skin to yours
A force so strong
even Newton couldn't measure it
equate it
define it
or theorize it

Because the science is ours.

There will be no standard
for future discoveries
to base new findings on
or to build upon.
The reaction will never be recreated
in a controlled setting
because the event
was so spectactular
so spontaneous
that it can only be documented
and admired.

Something (in the way she writes)

...considering all that I would give for a moment by his side.

To make love to him

be his love slave

Intoxicate myself with him.

Run my hand once through his hair, across his cheek.

Kiss his eyelids with my eyelashes-

forehead to forehead-

noses nuzzling

sharing the same atmosphere

whispering nothing to each other

hairs on my neck dancing with Electricity

our poles reacting to each other's bodies

chests beating with heartbeats pulsing

with a throbbing beat

feeding off of the other's rhythm

racing one another

hands automatically thoughtlessly removing all articles
interfering with the closeness
of our skin
Our pheromones making chemical reactions
unreported as of yet in any scientific journal,
but changing our biological makeup all the same.

Into you like a train...

Into you like a train..., originally uploaded by AmerikaAnn.

Flickr

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

This is hard.

I haven’t even written about this yet, but I met someone who lives in Southern California, and I’m up here in Northern California. It’s going well so far, but it’s soooo freaking hard not to over-analyze the whole thing when they are that far away. We haven’t talked on the phone in two days, and no communication at all yesterday, and it really messes with your head. I’m seeing him next weekend, but I’m really struggling with my own internal dialogue that are creating all sorts of doubts and fear that are paralyzing me. Does he really want to see me? Is he already over me? Out of sight, out of mind? Did I say something wrong? ACK!! If I don’t hear from him today I’m losing it. Completely losing it.

See more progress on: have a successful long distance relationship

01/05

1. Brandon
2. Brandon’s skydiving video
3. Late night texts from my sister telling me that Brandon thinks I’m adorable.
4. Brandon’s call and desire to do Skype.
5. My stupid Webcam
6. Card from Brennan’s family—so effing sweet!
7. Response from SDSU advisor! Will call her next week!
8. Brandon’s E-mail
9. Brennan’s “Oh Lord” response to me still not being in Humanities with him. So sweet again.
10. I got straight A’s! 4.0 for the first time in my life!

See more progress on: List 10 Positive things a day

01/04

1. Woke up thinking of him.
2. Smiles enveloped me all day with thoughts of our time together.
3. I was back at work, but I wasn’t really there.
4. Not allowing this good feeling to fade.
5. All the kids were happy to see me.
6. Had a conversation with the Vice Principal that could’ve bummed me out…before, you know. The good stuff.
7. Had a change in my job that could’ve bummed me out, but again, the smile is on a loop. There’s nothing getting me down.
8. “There’s a light in the darkness of everybody’s life.” -Rocky Horror Picture Show
9. Great run tonight. Yowza. “Closer” is the greatest song to run to.
10. Oh, alright. I won’t say it again. Yes I will. Brandon.

See more progress on: List 10 Positive things a day

01/03

1. Brandon
2. Calling Brandon.
3. Listening to sappy music that I haven’t listened to meaningfully in a long while.
4. Workout—guy at gym no longer a blip.
5. Strategizing
6. Planning
7. Preparing for work tomorrow!
8. Brandon on the brain
9. He’s happy with my idea to visit in February
10. Feeling goofy about someone.

See more progress on: List 10 Positive things a day

Wow!

I just called my new love interest. I think this calling business will be the key to making this relationship work, seeing as it’s a long-distance one at the moment. Wowee, I’m willing to do anything. And I did well! I guess I don’t hate the phone as much when I’m talking to someone I want to. Tomorrow will be a good test because I have to call the San Diego State advisor about transferring to the school, so we’ll see how I pass that test!

See more progress on: improve my phone anxiety

01/02

1. Brandon.

See more progress on: List 10 Positive things a day

12/29

I will preface this by saying that I probably won’t be able to come up with 10 for yesterday. As a matter of fact, there is only one—all of my sister and her boyfriend’s presents were stolen from the trunk of their car. It was in there one night, no one saw us load them up because we did it in a completely different city, so it was NOT our fault, except for that we trusted the laws of probability and the goodness of man. Stupid us. Then, because of the thieves’ tampering with the car, the car will not start, so we have to wait around all day for that to be fixed. Fuck evil fuckers.

1. We eventually made it to San Diego. New Years is on.

See more progress on: List 10 Positive things a day

12/28

1. Slept waaay in. 9:00 AM!
2. Workout with Wii Fitness Coach.
3. Tiramisu
4. Beatles Rockband
5. Singing Sex on Fire on Guitar Hero
6. Playing the fake drums
7. All packed up for the road trip to San Diego tomorrow
8. San Diego Tomorrow with my sister!
9. Watching Seinfeld before bed.
10. Electric blanket and space heater in a cold, cold house.

See more progress on: List 10 Positive things a day