Procrastination and distraction

Oh boy. I have not done a doggone thing to get my work done. I cannot focus. I just can’t seem to get to worried about it. I guess it’s going to have to be one of those last minute endeavors again because I just have no motivation without the stress of the due date looming.

Grr. And yet not grr. I’m not frustrated or worried at all. But I know I will be. In two weeks when it’s due “tomorrow,” I’ll be kicking my ass for today. But for today, whatever. I’ll do it later.

See more progress on: Finish and submit my remaining assignments

The Kid Nobody Could Handle

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See more progress on: Draw my day

March 23rd, 2010

I am even more grateful that my student actually benefits from the hard work I’m putting in with him, and that he appreciates it. It brings a tear to the old eyes.

See more progress on: The good stuff: what am I grateful for today?

Distracted weekend

Procrastination is the only way I get anything done.

See more progress on: Draw my day

March 22, 2010

I am grateful that I have the patience to work with children with behavioral issues. Especially those who have general education teachers that have simply given up on them. I will not!

See more progress on: The good stuff: what am I grateful for today?

Alex

Although I hate him now, and have for years, I was going through some old notebooks and I found this poem I wrote about an old flame of mine -- Alex. I thought it was pretty good, so I want to write it down. Listen:

It reflects in your face.
You look so prim and sophisticated
ready to rub elbows with the classiest of people.
You carry yourself confident
exude intelligence
Dark, worldly eyes scrutinize everything.
Oil slick hair draping your head, just kissing
your neck
combed and tamed.
Long arms extend into fingers of a pianist,
but they play me like a fiddle.
You walk tall on long legs,
carrying you proud.
But it's in your mouth that your duality
is revealed.
Closed lips form a perfect shape,
curved just so,
bent in all the right places.
Beautiful.
And your smile!
The world alights with the surprise
of a clown underneath the poet.

I work at a Junior High

Conversation ranged from whether I was Team Jacob or Team Edward to what my favorite White Stripes song was.

See more progress on: Draw my day

March 19th, 2010

I am grateful that I have the freedom and time to take a nap at 5:00 in the evening.

See more progress on: The good stuff: what am I grateful for today?

March 18th, 2010

As Joey, a student with Autism, would ask, “Good day today?”

See more progress on: Draw my day

March 17, 2010

I did homework the entire time.

See more progress on: Draw my day

March 18th, 2010

Easy – I feel really good today. I like myself. I’m happy. I am very grateful for that and I’m not going to let that change.

See more progress on: The good stuff: what am I grateful for today?

Happy Face

Today in my Math Methods credential class I participated happily and was engaged rather than sulking and counting the minutes until the end of this ridiculous class filled with ridiculous people. It was a much brighter experience, and ironically (but perhaps predictably) the class flew by when I actually let myself enjoy it.

See more progress on: Do the Opposite

March 16, 2010

I am grateful that tonight a successful round of scrounging for quarters has helped ease my financial woes for this month. Yep. I’m that broke.

See more progress on: The good stuff: what am I grateful for today?

Again

I thought I had accomplished this goal because I met someone, meaning that I was fixed. The opposite of my instincts would not be necessary anymore.

This is not so. I must begin again because I can feel myself making stupid and weird decisions again. No bueno.

Doing the opposite starting today!

See more progress on: Do the Opposite

In progress

Just an update—I am currently someone’s girlfriend. I am working on trust, but there’s always doubts. Not that he’s cheating, nor looking, nor lying, nor betraying in any way. More doubting that he doesn’t really know what he’s doing. That he’s caught up in some whimsy, some passing fancy. That I am a vacation from ordinary life (because I’m so doggone extraordinary).

I don’t trust that he really loves me. Stupid, I know. I just have to learn to let go and enjoy the ride. But it’s hard. I’ll keep working on it.

See more progress on: trust

Troubled times

Money. It’s a drag.

and it’s out of my control so get over it. You’ll have more later.

sigh

Almost over it. Stupid money.

See more progress on: Don't worry about things out of my control

2 months-ish to go!

There is no doubt—only days to cross off. In late-May to no-later-than June 1st I will be living in San Diego. First with my sister, then with my lover-man. It will be better than good.

See more progress on: Move to San Diego

So far, so good

I’ve met nearly all of his family (just his sister and step-siblings to go), and he’s met my mom. This thing only has two months to go long distance-wise and we’ll be a regular relationship—forever. We’ve got this!

See more progress on: have a successful long distance relationship

Guilt

I have a lot of guilt. I’ve done a lot of little bad things, and a few big bad things, but they all weigh on me. The importance of making amends now rather than anytime before is because I feel like I’m a bad person and not worthy of the man I am currently dating and in love with. Because of these past deeds I feel often unworthy and that if he ever knew the “real” me that he would no longer love me. Therefore, to fully be able to allow myself to let him love me and vice versa, I must love myself, and forgive myself. Then, when he finds out I did this or that, then I can simply say, “that was the past.”

For example, he already knows about my DUI that I had 6 years ago this June. I explained to him the situation, I told the tale of who I was at the time, and then I told him that I haven’t done anything like that since (or before). I don’t even really drink now. This is why I am okay about my really stupid decision I made when I was 22. Because I was 22, stupid, and have learned from it. And he agreed. It didn’t matter. He loves me.

Time to fix all the other bad stuff and get on with the good stuff! I will do this!

See more progress on: Make amends for my transgressions

I played Emilia!

As a paraeducator, one must always be trying to display one’s intelligence to the brilliant Computer Tech teacher…

See more progress on: Draw my day

March 16th, 2010

I am grateful for the days when I get to wake up without an alarm and still be on time.

See more progress on: The good stuff: what am I grateful for today?

2010

The moon's so bright
so grand tonight
Beneath moonlight
your hand, so tight.

Stars in the skies
can't compare, can't disguise
I'm lost in your eyes
I'm aware. I'm alive.

From lips soon parted
our tale has started
a kiss unguarded
set sail, uncharted

For my heart is sure
it beats, it's cured
My love is pure
so sweet, I'm yours.

There is no fear-
cast out from here!
When you are near
no doubt. Our year.